This is the beginning of a story I have to write for school. It is supposed to be historical and about the sea. I am 12. What do you think? Please be very honest when commenting - I'm not afraid of criticism! How can I improve it? Would you enjoy reading this or is it boring? Thank you very much!
How many victims have you slaughtered like this? Your ghostly fingers pushed me away so ruthlessly, a hunger in your eyes as though this is what you live for. As though this is the remedy for all the patched-up hurt inside you. As though you want more, and more and more. You just want more and more unwitting people to mindlessly massacre, to sacrifice to the sea.
You prised me away from the jagged rock I was clinging to. Now I am almost wholly submerged in the black water, which glints ominously like light on the blade of a knife. I can no longer see you. I can no longer see anything. I am shrouded in a veil of darkness, which I cannot escape from. Desperately I tell my legs to move but they won’t listen. I have done the panicking and the kicking and the frantic calls for help and they have taken their toll. I have not much time left.
My muscles are being relentlessly gnawed at by icily cold teeth, while water seeps through my clothes and trickles down into my boots, making them feel like lead blocks weighing me down. The wind swipes my face, as it whispers its undecipherable language, trailing invisible fingers through the water and stirring up white horses. A wave is slowly rising above me, ready to leap on top of me, and smother me in a deadly blanket. That’s what will kill me.
I’m going to die. But somehow I don’t mind. My life was meaningless the moment you pushed me away. You and your alluring chestnut eyes. Goodbye beautiful moon. Goodbye almighty sea. I brace myself for the towering wave. All I can say now is, please God, make it quick.
* * * * * *
I had never thought much of the sea. But by the end of my story I believe I came to love it. It was a treacherous journey and in the end was my undoing. However it was also an amazing story – a dark, horrendous story and for this I am willing to share it with you.
For fifteen years, or thereabouts, I lived in Kent, running a small surgery and I was very happy. Many wondered why I had not married yet and I had no answer for the few that asked. So I was on my way to becoming an old man, at nearly forty, but I felt as though I was still waiting for my life to begin. That feeling had been haunting me for some time, but then the letter arrived in the post. Who would have thought that that small, insignificant scrap of paper could change my life forever? I certainly suspected nothing as I broke open the red seal and took out the letter.
I saw my name printed first: To Hugh Norris. It was from the Royal Navy, the last thing I would have expected; I thought that maybe they had sent it to the wrong person. Then I read further... They required me on the HMS Triumphant, one of Nelson’s ships, soon to go into battle with the French, to be the ship surgeon. I was speechless. It offered no reasons, no explanations, nothing but orders. As I put the letter down, my mind suddenly overflowed with questions, the initial shock behind me. Why me? I have no experience of the sea, live ages away from Portsmouth (where the ships are docked) and am a mere surgery owner. To this day I am none the wiser. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with a great sense of sadness. It surged through me as I realized just how much I would miss this humble life of mine. How much I would miss this surgery. It was small but cosy and I loved it. A lone tear meandered down my cheek but I promptly brushed it away. ‘Pull yourself together, Hugh’ I told myself.
In a week’s time, I was locking the mahogany door for the last time. Mahogany’s my favourite wood: I love its dark reddish-brown colour. I hauled my heavy suitcase onto the carriage and set off, the rhythmic beating of the horses’ hooves on the road soon lulling me to sleep.
How many victims have you slaughtered like this? Your ghostly fingers pushed me away so ruthlessly, a hunger in your eyes as though this is what you live for. As though this is the remedy for all the patched-up hurt inside you. As though you want more, and more and more. You just want more and more unwitting people to mindlessly massacre, to sacrifice to the sea.
You prised me away from the jagged rock I was clinging to. Now I am almost wholly submerged in the black water, which glints ominously like light on the blade of a knife. I can no longer see you. I can no longer see anything. I am shrouded in a veil of darkness, which I cannot escape from. Desperately I tell my legs to move but they won’t listen. I have done the panicking and the kicking and the frantic calls for help and they have taken their toll. I have not much time left.
My muscles are being relentlessly gnawed at by icily cold teeth, while water seeps through my clothes and trickles down into my boots, making them feel like lead blocks weighing me down. The wind swipes my face, as it whispers its undecipherable language, trailing invisible fingers through the water and stirring up white horses. A wave is slowly rising above me, ready to leap on top of me, and smother me in a deadly blanket. That’s what will kill me.
I’m going to die. But somehow I don’t mind. My life was meaningless the moment you pushed me away. You and your alluring chestnut eyes. Goodbye beautiful moon. Goodbye almighty sea. I brace myself for the towering wave. All I can say now is, please God, make it quick.
* * * * * *
I had never thought much of the sea. But by the end of my story I believe I came to love it. It was a treacherous journey and in the end was my undoing. However it was also an amazing story – a dark, horrendous story and for this I am willing to share it with you.
For fifteen years, or thereabouts, I lived in Kent, running a small surgery and I was very happy. Many wondered why I had not married yet and I had no answer for the few that asked. So I was on my way to becoming an old man, at nearly forty, but I felt as though I was still waiting for my life to begin. That feeling had been haunting me for some time, but then the letter arrived in the post. Who would have thought that that small, insignificant scrap of paper could change my life forever? I certainly suspected nothing as I broke open the red seal and took out the letter.
I saw my name printed first: To Hugh Norris. It was from the Royal Navy, the last thing I would have expected; I thought that maybe they had sent it to the wrong person. Then I read further... They required me on the HMS Triumphant, one of Nelson’s ships, soon to go into battle with the French, to be the ship surgeon. I was speechless. It offered no reasons, no explanations, nothing but orders. As I put the letter down, my mind suddenly overflowed with questions, the initial shock behind me. Why me? I have no experience of the sea, live ages away from Portsmouth (where the ships are docked) and am a mere surgery owner. To this day I am none the wiser. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with a great sense of sadness. It surged through me as I realized just how much I would miss this humble life of mine. How much I would miss this surgery. It was small but cosy and I loved it. A lone tear meandered down my cheek but I promptly brushed it away. ‘Pull yourself together, Hugh’ I told myself.
In a week’s time, I was locking the mahogany door for the last time. Mahogany’s my favourite wood: I love its dark reddish-brown colour. I hauled my heavy suitcase onto the carriage and set off, the rhythmic beating of the horses’ hooves on the road soon lulling me to sleep.
Additional Details
By the way, there were paragraphs in the original but they have been deleted for some reason! Thanks!
1 month ago
I am going to put up a bit from the middle of the story. What do you think?!
1 month ago
That was the first time I actually saw her. The first time I had physical proof that she was real. It was late evening. The sky was painted with a rich array of hues; an overworked artist’s palette, colours and tones blending and mixing. At first I could only see what appeared to be a shadowy figure perched demurely upon a rock, a black silhouette against the vibrant sky. But as the ship sailed closer, the image began to focus, tinted light seeping through the clouds defining a slender body and... What was that – a tail?
I ran then – right to the front of the ship. I needed a closer look, just to check. And as I reached the very edge of the wooden deck, you turned towards me. Was that the first time she saw me? Or maybe she had already selected me, out of so many, as another of her countless victims.
I saw her skin – as pale and delicate as moonlight or the creamy petal of a lily and then her hair. Oh, her hair! As though she was shrouded in a silken drape, it looked like a fountain
I ran then – right to the front of the ship. I needed a closer look, just to check. And as I reached the very edge of the wooden deck, you turned towards me. Was that the first time she saw me? Or maybe she had already selected me, out of so many, as another of her countless victims.
I saw her skin – as pale and delicate as moonlight or the creamy petal of a lily and then her hair. Oh, her hair! As though she was shrouded in a silken drape, it looked like a fountain
1 month ago
fountain of liquid gold flowing down her back. Her tapered, shimmering tail was draped elegantly over the rock, and caught the light in such a way that it seemed thousands of tiny emeralds were clasped in the surface. There was no other conclusion: you were undeniably a mermaid.
I felt a sudden surge to show my mermaid to someone else, to share my discovery. I called for the others, but of course no one came; most drunk below deck I expect! Turning back to her, my mermaid, and she was gazing directly at me... Gazing at me with her beautiful, rich, velvety, mahogany eyes, like swirls of molten chocolate, encased in pearly white. They were utterly captivating and how long I was simply standing there I am not sure.
All I know is that I was all of a sudden aware of the sky darkening, and I scolded myself for getting so overwhelmed. The great craggy moon was descending, draping her veil of darkness over the world and the stars were smudging out the sunset. I could no longer see the
I felt a sudden surge to show my mermaid to someone else, to share my discovery. I called for the others, but of course no one came; most drunk below deck I expect! Turning back to her, my mermaid, and she was gazing directly at me... Gazing at me with her beautiful, rich, velvety, mahogany eyes, like swirls of molten chocolate, encased in pearly white. They were utterly captivating and how long I was simply standing there I am not sure.
All I know is that I was all of a sudden aware of the sky darkening, and I scolded myself for getting so overwhelmed. The great craggy moon was descending, draping her veil of darkness over the world and the stars were smudging out the sunset. I could no longer see the
1 month ago
mermaid, only miles and miles of sea, flashing threateningly in the moonlight. Suddenly I felt scared out here all alone. I walked down below deck to join the others. It suddenly dawned on me that my mermaid was dangerous – more deadly than any weapon. Who hasn’t heard the legends telling of poor sailors lured to their death by mermaids? I told myself I mustn’t seek her out again, but deep down I knew that I would. How could I resist?Answer :
it was good um im going to tell what i would change
As though this is the remedy for all the patched-up hurt inside you.
i dont think you actually need the last you.
As though you want more, and more and more. You just want more and more unwitting people ...
the you want more and more and more is a little redundant. try rewording it the second time around.
Also if you want to write it in present sence do that through the whole story.
Other than that you have talent, i am very much impressed!!
Answer :
it's absolutely superb (=
description of the sea is very vivid and not over done (=
future author? very nice work
Answer :
One word for you - WOW! That was amazing, you should be really proud of yourself. You have a lot of potential (and at such a young age too!) The descriptions were fantastic - I could seriously visualize everything like a movie. Vivid is an understatement lol I would LOVE to read the rest of this story, I am sucked in! Not boring to me at all. Again WOW.
Great Job!
Answer :
Next chapter Please!
Excellent work. You have done a great job, love the use of words you have chosen, for example colour instead of color since he lives in England.
I would love to read the rest of the story.
JM
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