What do you think of the intro to my story?

Elizabeth Sanderson sat in her History class with her peers silently reading from their textbooks. She stared out the window as her teacher wrote key points on the board, staring at nothing in particular. Her mind drifted to the weekend’s events and she thought about what had happened. She didn’t know how she was supposed to feel or if she would ever be able to confront her friends for this. There was no one to go to for advice, not her parents and especially not her friends. She began playing with her hair, a nervous habit she had to twirl it in her fingers.
She was a very popular girl in her senior year at Driftwood High School, with beautiful long, blonde hair and bright blue eyes that were filled with compassion and twinkled with spontaneity. Spending most of free time out on the sunny California beaches, she had an attractive tan about her. Being a ballet dancer gave her a strong, slender physique that any girl would dream of. She cared about everyone, even the people who were often made fun of. There was an alluring way about her and a sense of confidence that people envied. Though all her friends were envied for their looks and popular because of their characters, she stood out among them.
Despite all the friends she had, today she was alone. Alone, the word echoed in her thoughts. She glanced at the seat next to her, normally occupied by her best friend Jamie but was presently empty. She wondered if Jamie would even show up at her house later today to study. Elizabeth often longed for the privacy that Jamie had from her parents. Jamie’s parents were away on business most of the time, which left Jamie with an empty house which was convenient for being alone or throwing parties, like the one they had on Friday. It was probably the biggest party they had thrown and therefore left the biggest mess. When they woke the morning after, they had spent hours cleaning the house with the help of some of their friends who had stayed the night. It had been a fun night, for the most part.
With a quick shake of her head, ridding her thoughts of the memory and coming back to the present, she glanced at the clock on the wall. She had only been in class for twenty minutes but she was ready to leave. She grinned as she observed her class peacefully reading, some people so peaceful they had fallen asleep. To confirm the time, she found her phone in her purse and checked the time. She sighed, finding that the clock on the wall was right and she still had another forty five minutes of class. After a few minutes of reading, Elizabeth decided she wasn’t in the mood for learning about the American government system. She saw her phone light up and read a text message from Matt, “Hey what’s up? You ok?” Laughing, she looked across the room to him and smiled, he was sitting a few rows away. His charming green eyes peered at her inquisitively and she proceeded to respond with, “Yea, just tired. I got a bad nights’ sleep”. As much as she wanted to confide in Matt, her best male friend, she couldn’t have his or anyone’s comfort. She thought of Jamie, who was probably still in bed in the comfort of her pajamas, lucky enough not to have to face the day.
For the remainder of class, Elizabeth was engaged in a texting conversation with Matt. They discussed a variety of topics including the upcoming football game that weekend and other plans for the weekend. Elizabeth knew Matt always had always liked her but he knew she wasn’t ready for another committed relationship. As much as she wanted to try being in a relationship again, she wasn’t ready to trust men again. She always admired Matt for his compassion towards her, and his romantic wit. His looks were charming with dirty blonde hair and mysterious, sea green eyes set in a tan, handsome face. He was about 6 feet tall, very athletic with a toned, muscular body. He came from a wealthy family, his father a slave to his successful law firm. Matt was any girls dream date, for he was polite, charming, and handsome. There was something about him that Elizabeth found so mysterious, which might be partly why she hadn’t trusted him yet to be more than a friend. The bell rang and class was out, she grabbed her stuff and walked down the hall to her locker with Matt discussing options for lunch.






Answer :
1. Too much description. Make it gradual and fit in with the story so your reader learns the details without feeling as though you stopped to tell them.

2. Yes, it's kind of obvious about Matt and Elizabeth.

3.The best characters are imperfect. I always say it's good to go for good looking characters who struggle with behavior or not so good-looking people who actually make an unnoticed, positive difference. I like characters to display humanishness.

4. The suspense is carried out too long. Why is she alone?


And that's about all I think. I hope it serves as helpful criticism.






Answer :
In my scanning of it, I didnt see anything worth noting as terrible... Although:


Holy hellova wall of text.





Answer :
i read the first paragraph and a half...looks like the most typical popular girl story:

She was a very popular girl in her senior year at Driftwood High School, with beautiful long, blonde hair and bright blue eyes that were filled with compassion and twinkled with spontaneity. Spending most of free time out on the sunny California beaches, she had an attractive tan about her. Being a ballet dancer gave her a strong, slender physique that any girl would dream of. She cared about everyone, even the people who were often made fun of. There was an alluring way about her and a sense of confidence that people envied. Though all her friends were envied for their looks and popular because of their characters, she stood out among them.

it just seems a little...bland?

Some critiques or comments on this poem?

As I slumbered along that wintry road
In a night accursed as it was bleak,
I dreamt I saw the holy firmament,
Somberly draped in ethereal mystique.
Beloved sights of the almighty, aloft!
Tranquil and resplendent amidst cherubs pure,
Crowned with divinity and o! hallowed sights;
So in awe was I of his guarded allure.
With knighted brow and majestic beauty
Sat our lord before seas of tranquility,
Smooth as glass and about Heaven sprawled,
In the golden warmth cast by angels enthralled,
Whilst all thrones in exuberance, enrapt,
Flew o’er the vast expanse, spurred
By a risen sun; ride, o fleet of heart
And whimsy, lest into sin you be lured
As our mortal father in Eden of auld,
With the fatal morn of innocence, marked,
And with Wisdom crowned did take his shame, enthralled,
And from silent grove with fire thronged, embark.
_____________________________

The last seven lines feel off. I have be reworking it for awhile now. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Additional Details

I apologize - I meant 'I have been reworking it for awhile now'. Oops.

4 months ago

Your chronic disliking of everything I write has overstayed its welcome - and its already past due. Your complaints of foul treatment at the hands of other folks on this site is a two-way street, I see. You only laud praise on the ones who return the favor, Ian. I have been guilty of this particular trait myself - thus, I refrain from answering other people's posts. I am here strictly for critiques – the same should apply to you.





Answer :
All of it feels off - my suggestion is that you ask your doctor to increase your medication. Pompous and pretentious - as usual.

(And surely you mean 'lumbered' in L1? Or do you actually mean you 'slept' along the road?)

Wrong! I only praise what I consider worthy, regardless of whether it is reciprocated or not. And rest assured - line 1 (and the rest) is definitely a 'mistake', whether you intended it or not.

Help out wit my deep sea zombie deck please?

Monsters: 22

2 malicious
1 stratos
1 dad
1 fear monger
2 diamond dude
1 psz
2 mezuki
1 goblin zombie
1 pyramid turtle
1 spirit reaper
1 caius
1 zombie master
1 gorz
1 gale
3 deep sea diva
2 krebons

spells: 14

3 d-draw
2 allure
1 e-tele
1 heavy
1 mst
1 brain
1 vortex
1 foolish burial
1 burial from a different dimension
1 mind control
1 rota

traps: 6

1 mirror force
1 torrential tribute
1 call of the haunted
2 bottomless trap hole
1 solemn judgment

so far its semi-consistant. any suggestions will be welcomed.






Answer :
I have the deck and find that diva's are better at 2....and any tier 1 deck that includes them only has the 2....it's a hurtful dead draw at times. The changes I made help for consistancy and help OTK. With a 2nd Burial it opens up for more synchros and sp. summons with mezukis. A 2nd Caius will help take down anything big you can't get passed and the trunade and cold wave also help so the swarm isn't destroyed or negated. G'luck

Monsters: 20
2 malicious
1 stratos
1 dad
1 D. Grepher
1 diamond dude
1 psz
2 mezuki
1 goblin zombie
1 pyramid turtle
1 spirit reaper
2 Caius
1 gorz
1 gale
2 deep sea diva
2 Necro Guardna

spells: 15
3 d-draw
2 allure
1 heavy
1 mst
1 Trunade
1 brain
1 vortex
2 burial from a different dimension
1 mind control
1 rota
1 Cold Wave

traps: 5
1 mirror force
1 torrential tribute
2 bottomless trap hole
1 solemn judgment

I know Oasis-of-the-seas and Allure-of-the-seas will be sister ships by Dec '10, but exactly how identical?

I got two cruises booked on Royal Carribean for 2010. I'm so excited, I've peed in my pants several times with glee!!! LOL (One cruise in May to the Western Carribean on Oasis-of-the-seas and one cruise in December to the Eastern Carribean on Allure-of-the-seas.) So I know they are sister ships (Allure being the bratty younger one...lol), but does anyone know if there is gonna be any interior difference to them at all...or are these gonna be identical sisters down to the anchor? Thanks everyone! :)





Answer :
I think allure is going to be a bit smaller but usually sister ships or same class ships are the same layout wise but have different decor





Answer :
Technically and structurally they are identical, as to the final decor that is yet to be seen.